Have a little faith. That’s how the saying goes right? Not sure I believe that anymore. It’s so hard to wrap my brain around something I can’t see, or touch, or feel. Maybe that’s why I am the way I am when it comes to “grey areas”. They don’t really exist in my world. With me it’s always been things are or they aren’t. Very rarely is there an in between. I don’t like to say maybe and it’s difficult at times for me to hear it. I’ve always been a self initiator so the concept of leaving something in someone else’s hands drives me bananas. But that’s a whole other issue entirely. Today was difficult to say the least. So many times I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him about what was going on, or tell him the silly things I was thinking about, or ask him about his day, or tell him how I almost collided with someone twice coming out of the cafeteria. But I didn’t because I’m trying to give him the time and space he asked for. I feel empty inside. That’s the best way I can think of to describe it. You don’t realize how immersed someone is in your world until they’re not there anymore. The hardest part of all of this is I have so many unanswered questions that are just eating away at me. Every time I feel my thoughts starting to slip back to that dark place I have to force myself to think about something else. Anything to keep myself from being the person I don’t want to be anymore. I’m determined to be better, no matter what. I just want things to be back to the way they were. Back to when things made sense and everything wasn’t upside down. That’s enough for tonight I guess. Good night and I miss you.
Since I’m pretty sure no one will ever read this I’m ok with putting it out there. I want to start by saying I’m sorry to someone. And not just the run of the mill “I’m sorry” but an honest to god, meaningful, truthful, I’m sorry. I know that I can be extremely difficult to deal with at times. I have more insecurities than I know what to do with. The result of having not only my heart but my entire reality shattered by someone who I never thought would do that to me. I was so blindsided by this it was paramount to being struck head on by a freight train and living to tell about it. Needless to say that changed not only my world but who I was as a person indefinitely. It’s been about 7 years since that day and I’m still picking up the pieces and trying to deal with the aftermath. Every day is a struggle. I have to constantly tell myself that it won’t happen again, that I can trust, that things are not the awful evil way I make them out to be in my head. I live in a constant fear of having to go through that pain again, which in turn has built a wall inside me so high and so thick that sometimes even I fear I won’t be able to break it down. It is because of this that I am in the situation I am in right now. I have made a complete mess of my current relationship all because of my inability to trust and just relax. My heart tells me that its ok, that I have nothing to worry about. But my brain tells my gut that all those dark paranoias I’m feeling are real and that he’s up to no good and that he’s lying and that he’s only going to hurt me in the long run. This has manifested itself in such a way that I can’t even stand myself most days but yet I don’t know how to stop it. I lash out and say things I don’t mean, make accusations that I suspect are true but are too afraid to ask the question, anything to protect myself from the pain. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to live in fear. I want to be able to just trust and be ok with everything. I want to truly believe the words when he tells me how he feels about me. I don’t want to constantly be afraid of being left for someone prettier, or cooler, or sexier, or skinnier. I want to be confident. And not just on the surface but the kind of deep down confidence that makes a person shine. I guess what I’m saying is if you do somehow read this, please give me another chance. Please help me be strong again. It’s not going to be an easy journey but if you’re willing to be by my side and pick me up when I fall then I’m willing to make the effort to be a better person for you.
Did you ever have someone on your facebook that you know doesn’t like you but the second you unfriend them it starts the shit storm of the century? Its amusing to me the people we keep on our facebook solely for the purpose of “creeping”. Looks like I have some winter cleaning to do. :-)