Since I’m pretty sure no one will ever read this I’m ok with putting it out there. I want to start by saying I’m sorry to someone. And not just the run of the mill “I’m sorry” but an honest to god, meaningful, truthful, I’m sorry. I know that I can be extremely difficult to deal with at times. I have more insecurities than I know what to do with. The result of having not only my heart but my entire reality shattered by someone who I never thought would do that to me. I was so blindsided by this it was paramount to being struck head on by a freight train and living to tell about it. Needless to say that changed not only my world but who I was as a person indefinitely. It’s been about 7 years since that day and I’m still picking up the pieces and trying to deal with the aftermath. Every day is a struggle. I have to constantly tell myself that it won’t happen again, that I can trust, that things are not the awful evil way I make them out to be in my head. I live in a constant fear of having to go through that pain again, which in turn has built a wall inside me so high and so thick that sometimes even I fear I won’t be able to break it down. It is because of this that I am in the situation I am in right now. I have made a complete mess of my current relationship all because of my inability to trust and just relax. My heart tells me that its ok, that I have nothing to worry about. But my brain tells my gut that all those dark paranoias I’m feeling are real and that he’s up to no good and that he’s lying and that he’s only going to hurt me in the long run. This has manifested itself in such a way that I can’t even stand myself most days but yet I don’t know how to stop it. I lash out and say things I don’t mean, make accusations that I suspect are true but are too afraid to ask the question, anything to protect myself from the pain. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to live in fear. I want to be able to just trust and be ok with everything. I want to truly believe the words when he tells me how he feels about me. I don’t want to constantly be afraid of being left for someone prettier, or cooler, or sexier, or skinnier. I want to be confident. And not just on the surface but the kind of deep down confidence that makes a person shine. I guess what I’m saying is if you do somehow read this, please give me another chance. Please help me be strong again. It’s not going to be an easy journey but if you’re willing to be by my side and pick me up when I fall then I’m willing to make the effort to be a better person for you.